Mallory Long

Everyone has something that they are afraid whether it is a valid fear or completely unfounded.  Some people have many fears, while others have only a few, and the intensity of those fears can vary drastically.  The anxiety, seemingly coupled with fear, has the ability to potentially immobilize you physically as well mentally. These emotions can take the form of road blocks which can hinder you from moving forward in life. Going off to college is arguably one of the scariest things people will experience.  For me, my journey presented a number of major fears: fear of failure, fear of rejection, and fear of public speaking, just to name a few. Throughout my collegiate journey, I have learned that fear is important for survival. Sometimes our fears are illogical and an overabundance can be incapacitating. Over the past four years, my progressive understanding of the role that fear plays in my life has enabled my personal growth and has significantly impacted my research career. Overall, my experiences throughout my undergraduate years have taught me that the only way to overcome a fear is to first recognize that it is holding you back, accept it for what it is, and then embrace it directly.

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I first learned about fear during my freshman year, in my BIO 110: General Biology course. In BIO 110, I was introduced to the idea of fear being an emotional response designed to act as a defense mechanism in animals in order to aid in survival. Furthermore, I was taught the biological underpinnings of experiencing fear. When in a potentially dangerous situation, fear causes the animal’s brain to signal the release of adrenaline into the bloodstream, causing a “Fight or Flight” response.  This excited state causes increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and a rise in blood glucose levels in the preparation for strenuous physical activity, such as evading a predator. The body’s ability to sense danger and produce a physiochemical response is critical for survival for nearly all organisms. The ability to experience fear is a trait deemed desirable through natural selection as it is seen across various species consistently through the evolution of the animal kingdom. At the bottom of the page is a resource from BIO 110 that discusses the process of natural selection in greater detail.  Fear, in this biology course, was showcased as an important aspect of survival, which greatly influenced my perspective on the role that fear played in my life. With my new founded biological perspective of fear, I began to frequently justify my personal angsts as ways to protect me from any potential harm, whether that be physically or emotionally. I continuously let my fear of failure, rejection, or public speaking keep me from pursuing opportunities that would have undoubtedly helped in my future.

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As I progressed through my courses, my biological understanding of fear was challenged when I began to learn about the emotion on the psychological level. In my PSYC 400: Learning and Memory course, I was introduced to one of many methods on how we come to acquire some of our fears. I was taught that through a learning paradigm, called Classical Conditioning, we can become afraid of objects that are not particularly aversive in any manner. I learned about a famous Classical Conditioning experiment, called Little Albert. In this experiment, a young boy named Albert was taught to be afraid of mice.  Even though the mice never harmed him or posed any threat, Albert associated the mice with fear and would cry. As one of my artifacts, seen at the bottom of the page, I attached a homework assignment on Classical Conditioning that enabled me to better understand how this learning paradigm worked.  Learning about Classical Conditioning completely contradicted my understanding of fear as being an essential emotion used to shape behavior for survival. In most cases, Classical Conditioning is useful for learning to be afraid of something that is harmful, but in the case of Little Albert, fear was able to change the behavior in a way that caused the boy to have an aversive response to something that was not life threatening. I found it difficult to understand how being able to learn to fear something harmless was essential for survival, enabling me to question the validity of my own fears, and their importance.

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My original view on the necessity of fear for survival, continued to shift as the true nature of the emotion began to unravel the more I learned about it. In my PSYC 410: Survey of Abnormal Psychology course, I was made aware of the multitude of psychological disorders that people can possess. Many psychological disorders have a genetic or biological basis that is presented at birth, such as with the variety of Autism Spectrum Disorders. In contrast, other disorders are acquired at some point during a person’s life. The majority of these acquired psychological disorders involve fear and fear processing. The disorders that I found to be the most intriguing were phobias. A phobia is characterized by a persistent irrational and excessive fear of a certain situation or object that can cause overwhelming distress and interfere with daily living. These phobias can be so severe that the person is unable to leave the house and is therefore unable to live a normal lifestyle. In most phobia cases, the person who possesses the disorder is unsure why they have such great fear for whatever the situation or object may be. What resonated with me the most about the disorder was the simple fact that human beings are capable of acquiring such immobilizing fears without even understanding why. This information enabled me to further question the validity and origin of my fears.

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Throughout the progression of my courses, I slowly began to realize that much of the fear and anxiety I had in my life resulted from unfounded associations with failure and rejection.  The things I feared were not nearly as awful as I had believed and I knew that I should not let these fears hold me back.  However, like many other things in life, this concept of logically discrediting fears is much easier said than done. 

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  During my sophomore year, I was heading home to my parents’ house to go to dinner with my family for my little brother’s birthday.  It was just a regular drive home the entire way and when I was almost to my parent’s neighborhood when I got into a wreck with another vehicle.  The impact pushed my car off the road and completely destroyed my car.  Glass had broken and cut my arms and I had hit my head very hard.  I was picked up by an ambulance and my family spent the evening in the hospital with me instead of celebrating my brother’s birthday.  The entire ordeal exposed me to fear that I had never experienced.  The culmination of shock from the collision, the sorrow for what my family was put through, and the uncertainty of my medical condition was difficult to process.  The mental consequences that followed that day affected me more than I would have initially thought.  The injury to my head brought back memories from the concussions I had endured from my days playing soccer in high school and I feared that I was going to relive that pain.

The wreck impacted my life significantly. I frequently struggled with reliving the horrors of that moment over and over again in my mind. I spent countless nights tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep due to the unimaginable level of anxiety that I just could not kick. I was completely blind to the vast symptoms that I possessed and often told myself that everything was normal, when in fact it was not. It wasn’t until two months after the accident that I was officially diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

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 Being a psychology major I was familiar with the disorder. PTSD is a disorder that can develop in a person who recently experienced a traumatic event. The disorder is characterized by prolonged feelings of stress and fear relating to the trauma. In my PSYC 589: Introduction to Neuroscience course we learned about the diagnosis, and treatment of the disorder. Attached below, as one of my artifacts, is a homework assignment which discusses the disorder in more detail, this assignment enabled to me realize the severity of the disorder, and the need to overcome it.  Furthermore, in my PSYC 400: Learning and Memory course, we were taught a number of different treatment options for PTSD, including exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is a method of treatment which involves increasingly exposing a patient to what it is that they are afraid of. My accident made me afraid to drive. Although my fear of driving was completely logical it was impossible to hide from it and I was forced to confront that fear directly.  By using exposure therapy, in time I became comfortable driving again and I was able to conquer my fear.

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The accident enabled my understanding that life can change in a blink of an eye and that horrifying realization made me more afraid of failure than ever before, but I did not want my legacy that I left behind to be about taking the easiest route because of the fear of failure.  I knew that in order for me advance in my life I would inevitably have to overcome the fears that had been holding me back. One positive aspect that came after managing my newfound fear of driving by using exposure therapy was my solidification that the only way to truly overcome the other fears in my life was to fully embrace them.

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I was more determined than ever to find direction in my life and my studies, so I began to seek out positions and opportunities despite my fears of failure or rejection.  I applied for a neuroscience internship, at West Virginia University, that was highly selective. Unfortunately, I was not accepted for the position.  I was disappointed in the failure, but I was not discouraged.  I began searching for professors around campus to contact about volunteering in their research labs.  Emailing professors I had never met to set up something like this was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I knew that I would not be able to work with anyone if I did not contact them. During the summer of 2016, Dr. Mott allowed me to join him and his graduate students in his Neuroscience Lab at the University of South Carolina’s School of Medicine, as a research assistant. After learning that the lab was conducting research involving the underlying mechanisms of PTSD, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be.

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 Dr. Mott has always been a great influence and mentor for me, he is continuously pushing me to do things that would benefit me, even if they make me nervous. A few months after being in the lab, Dr. Mott suggested that I apply for the Magellan scholarship. The Magellan Scholarship is a funding opportunity for undergraduates who are conducting research. I was hesitant after reading that the student would be required to write their own grant proposal on a project that they created and then have to present it in front of hundreds of people at a campus-wide event called Discover USC. I was immediately filled with the fear that I would not be good enough to earn such a prestigious award. Despite my self-doubt, Dr. Mott continued to encourage me to apply, and finally, I did. It took three months of hard work coupled with many hours of revisions to complete application and its entirety. Below, as one of my artifacts, you will find the completed version of the Magellan Grant Proposal. While completing this assignment, I was able to embrace my fear of not being good enough and chose to use this situation as a learning experience whether I received the award or not. After a whole month of anxiously waiting for the decision letter, one early December morning, I woke up to an email explaining that I had been awarded the Magellan Scholarship! I was beyond excited and completely surprised that I was one, out of the many other students, that was deemed worthy of the award. Within just a few months of starting my research journey, I had faced my fear of rejection head on by applying for a scholarship, that I never thought I was worthy of receiving. If I had let my fear of rejection keep me from applying, I would have never received the award that has immensely helped to fund my research career.

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But I know I was not finished yet. I have always had a fear of speaking in front of a crowd of people, but usually, that crowd consisted of classmates or peers. In the early spring of 2017, Dr. Mott suggested that I present my work at an upcoming neuroscience symposium called SYNAPSE. I knew I was going to be anxious about it but I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of grasping the information and communicate it to an audience of intellectuals.  With the knowledge and experience I had gained in coping with fearful situations in the past, I knew that the only way I would be able to get comfortable speaking in public was through exposure and this was the perfect way to accomplish that.  After meticulous preparation leading up to the presentation, I was able to successfully discuss my topic in front of a large audience without succumbing to my internal fears. As one of my artifacts, you will find the poster that I presented at the SYNAPSE meeting. Overall, this poster presentation allowed me to embrace my fear of public speaking and acted as the first step to officially overcoming the fear.     A few months after the SYNAPSE symposium, I presented my work again at Discover USC. I felt much more confident presenting after already having presented before, in fact, my presentation placed second in my category!

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My experiences at college have significantly altered my perception of fear from a survival instinct into a much more deeply rooted psychological mechanism. My initial understanding of fear being an essential emotion for survival was challenged by learning about ways in which fear can sometimes be unfounded and debilitating. My progressive learning about fear brought to light a much deeper understanding of the crucial role that the negative emotion played in my life. Through my Biology course, BIO 110, I have learned that fear can be an essential aspect of survival. In contrast, my psychology courses, PSYC 400, PSYC 410, and PSYC 589, demonstrated that sometimes we can be afraid of things that will not harm us. Finally, I learned that too much fear can hold you back. Regardless of those intricacies, I have gained something more valuable.  I learned that you cannot overcome the fears in your life that are holding you back by avoiding them.   Thinking back over the past four years and remembering what I was like when I first started college, I realize how much I have grown from all of my experiences.  I remember wanting to be successful but being too afraid to take a chance and risk failure. I wouldn’t be in the position that I am now if I never embraced my fears of failure, rejection, and public speaking.  Ultimately I have come to realize that you should never let your fears stop you from pursuing your goals and following your dreams.